We’ve all heard the name(s) before: Paulinda, Pauline, Gabby, Maggie, Laura, Ashley, and a host of others aliases. They have harassed dojos and academies across the globe. We rush to post about her as if we have FINALLY “made” it. It is as if your gym is not on the map until you have received THE CALL. Where in the hell are Nev and Max when you need them?
Through some careful PI work, we have unearthed the slippery perpetrator. Their ability to infiltrate social media groups is pretty impressive as much as it is diabolical. I say “their” because no one has been certain what pronoun to use. That is until now.
They’ve basked in plain sight supporting our platforms and advocating on our behalf. Through their support, they had us hook, line, and sinker.
Let’s lay the groundwork for how we identified this interloper. Firstly, this person has been a “brown belt” for years. It makes sense that they would surely be a black belt by now. They are all about celebrating women on the mat. I like it but I believe that’s specifically how we were disarmed. They are obsessed with leglocks. They literally speak incessantly with luckless targets about breaking every part of the leg. Most accounts of interaction indicate that Paulinda is male. Lastly, once they get a live body on the other end of the phone line, they have a proclivity to discuss all things thongs.
Paulinda’s timeline would surely indicate that they are now a black belt. The person that we’ve honed in on is currently a black belt.
The suspected culprit has been a supporter of women on the mat from day one, and they’ve been a trusted advocate for years.
“30+ with 14 females on the mats.”
“If you’re reading this, I hope you have an amazing day and something exciting happens for you. #squad”
Paulinda is obsessed with leglocks.
Our culprit has been referred to as a #dirtyfootlocker. His social media is riddled with his affinity for the leglock game.
“Training Question – if you’re an upper belt (purple+) and you’re focusing on working your leg lock game, is it ethical to practice that stuff on lower belts considering they may not be able to do it in their own divisions?”
“I’ve been a subject to that damn foot lock, my ankle was in so much pain after that. Congrats ____ go eff yourself (for footlocking me into oblivion), but congrats. Hahaha”
“Well done **** “The Footlocker” ********”
One person referred to his foot lock game, exclaiming:
“Oh shi! the M*** ******** special!”
“That foot/ankle lock is cool! I gotta get me one a [sic] those!!”
Oh, and Paulinda is a male. Definitely male.
“She does lol and I’m pretty sure she’s a guy pretending to be a woman but I’m not 100% sure hehe.”
“I think it is a guy….it is not a woman, has called my academy to [sic]…..maybe just a crazy person. Maybe there is a scam.”
“Erg!!! Apparently, the Alaska number called today. My boyfriend said that when he has answered, since I haven’t been in the gym this week, it’s been a guy that says “wrong number”. So now we know it truly is a guy. Which makes this all the more creepy.”
Let’s not forget that Paulinda likes the thong, tha thong, thong, thong.
Our culprit also likes the thong:
“It’s not IBJJF. The thong is legal.”
Now that we’ve laid the groundwork and provided the intel our expert sleuthing turned up, Paulinda is none other than Professor Mike Calimbas. He is currently on the run and laying low in the Philippines. He claims to be on a honeymoon or something. Likely story, Mr. Calimbas, likely story.
I know, I know. We’re clutching our pearls, too.